Saturday, July 21, 2007

If You Are Afraid of Toilet Snakes, Don't Read This!

It is 3:19 AM and I am posting on my blog because I can't sleep. You see, about 30 minutes earlier, I had to make a pilgramage to the bathroom and was reminded of my fear of toilet snakes. It's the same old routine as always, really.

1. Get out of bed.
2. Walk to the bathroom.
3. Close the door.
4. Turn on the light.
5. Lift the toilet seat cover.
6. Search for toilet snake.
7. Discover no toilet snake.
8. Feel the relief of discovering no toilet snake.
9. Go back to bed and back to sleep.

This time, however, I can't seem to get back to sleep. My mind keeps thinking about toilet snakes and the possibility that I will ever find a toilet snake. I've designed a bit of plumbing in my engineering career so I decided to logically think out the scenerio that would introduce a snake into my own personal water closet. This was a big mistake!!!!

At first, my internal debate went pretty well because I thought of some really good reasons why I will never find a toilet snake in my water closet.

1. I live in an urban environment and I have never seen a snake at all, ever, on my property. Any snake siting, even on the ground, would be once-in-a-lifetime.

2. I know that usually, when animals get into a toilet it happens because they crawl down the vent pipe from the roof. I have no trees overhanging my roof and no way for the once-in-a-lifetime snake to ever crawl onto my roof or seek refuge in the vent pipe.

Pretty good reasons, eh? Then I began to think about the possibility of a snake making his or her way (I could never be sure) into my toilet from the sewer. (I've been to wastewater treatment plants and have seen dead snakes on wastewater plant equipment.) Beware! Now starts the "what if's"?

1. What if some local sadistic child decides to flush a snake down down his or her (I could never be sure) toilet in an attempt to terrorize his or her neighbors?

2. What if the snake survives the watery plunge into the sewer and beyond?

3. What if the snake makes his way into MY SEWAGE PIPES???

4. What if I open my toilet lid some night and see a toilet snake straining for freedom?

5. Worse, yet, what if I DON'T see the toilet snake straining for freedom?

Then the modern thought pops into my head "do a little research on toilet snakes on the world wide web".

I've stopped here. I'm afraid to do research really. I have a feeling that I will search and search until I find documented instances (could be false or true) of toilet snakes and some horrid photos of toilet snake sitings. (Because in the wretched instance of finding a snake in one's toilet, one must reach for one's camera!!! Sorry, I'm reaching for the flush handle instead!)

So, instead of researching, I will just talk about my fear on my blog. I hesitated to do this at first because I became afraid that some of my OCD blog buds may be alarmed by my posting and will begin obsessing about toilet snakes themselves. I prefer to be the only victim of my obsessions.

If you are wondering about the toilet photo above, I took the photo in a hotel in Sicily. I like to take photos of foreign plumbing fixtures. It's my "anti-drug".

1 comment:

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